Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
