Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
