puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
