I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
