Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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