fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
