I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
