I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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