I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
