you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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