We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize