This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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