its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
