friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
