People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
