I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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