He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
