There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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