you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
