If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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