Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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