i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hippo gnu deer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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