My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
