i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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