You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
