from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
