I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
