i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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