my sisters under your porch take her home
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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