After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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