Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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