Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
