I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
