you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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