She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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