I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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