I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
