Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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