You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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