my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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