I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
