Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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