That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
