oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
