I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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