Small penises have feelings too.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
