either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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