Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
