the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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