It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
