Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
