I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
