I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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