she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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