You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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