I want to have your abortion
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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