Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
