I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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