how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize