So drunk its hurt
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
