Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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