I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
