Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
